Thursday, January 11, 2007

20 Things You Should Know About The Liar's Club

  1. Once stripped down to it's underwear in front of the entire 5th grade class.
  2. Ran away from home at the age of four.
  3. When it was 7 it used to spin around in a circle desperately trying to turn into Wonder Woman.
  4. Pretty sure has some form of Dyslexia.
  5. Has a mostly irrational hatred of Matt Damon and a very rational hatred for the movie Caddyshack.
  6. Will eat your tater tots, even when it tells you it isn't hungry.
  7. Once broke a finger bowling.
  8. At an ice rink while skating to "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan wiped out for 15 feet.
  9. Hates the sound of erasers on a chalkboard.
  10. Is incensed that "Sweet Home Alabama" is the song used in Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials.
  11. Has a Mom that fancies the Crypt Keeper from "Tales from the Crypt."
  12. Rolled 100 joints on the first day of its first job out of college.
  13. When it was around 3 or 4-years-old it got its penis caught in the zipper of its zip-up, winnie the poo pajamas with the footies. (Yes, that's an awfully dorky outfit, and they were probably pink hand-me-downs, cause it has a big sister.) Being extremely painful, it distinctly remembers weighing its options: Endure the pain or suffer the embarrassment of having to solicit its mom's help. Anyway, it got mom's help, and the penis is 99% effective.
  14. Secretly wishes it lived somewhere quiet like Iowa or Nebraska. (But not Kansas. Definitely not Kansas.)
  15. When it gets a fountain soda, has to push the diet and other tabs on the lid, and if it forgets, then just knows it is going to have a shitty day.
  16. Has not thrown up in public in, what, at least a month.
  17. Has never been to the Liar's Club.
  18. Sold every one of its paintings on the opening night of its first art show.
  19. First stiffy directly related to sexual stimulation came at the hands of an episode of Benny Hill. There were a lot of women running around, jiggling in fast motion, so you really couldn't blame it.
  20. Wants to be a monchichi or at least have one as a pet.

8 comments:

Mood Indigo said...

99% effective - we should all be so lucky :)

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mood: I say 99% cause I used to be able to put a light bulb in my mouth like Uncle Fester and make the bulb AND my, ahem, light up. Always got a round of applause at the PTA meetings.

Steph said...

so what's this blog all about?
You know you have to spell it out for me, draw me a map......somethin'.

Katie in the UK said...

I still get up every morning and spin around desperately hoping to become Wonder Woman. One time, my bracelet flew off but that's the closest I've ever come to repelling anything with my wrists.

Go figure.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: It's just 4 of the raddest bloggers 'round town forming like Volton and blogging at mach 10 with our hair on fire. That's all.

UK: Keep spinnin'. You'll get that truth lasso, bullet blocking bracelets, and invisible plane in no time.

Rob said...

So do y'all need to run stuff by the other 3 before posting? Just curious how this thing works.

Lori Mocha said...

Lies all lies.

Matt said...

Another blog to kill 5 minutes of my working day. God bless you all!

And thanks for the Benny Hill flashback, so many happy childhood memories :)