Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Keys That Work and Gray Rat Tails That Don't Work Nearly as Well

I went to the locksmith shop around the corner to make a duplicate of my car key because I had a scare recently when my key fell off my keyring, and I couldn't find a spare. One finally turned up in the Jack Daniels box full of junk in my junk drawer, of all places, but it seemed like a good time to back my shit up.

The shop around the corner boasts, "Keys that work." Really? As opposed to ones that don't open a damn thing? The guy who works there is nice enough, his shop looks like nothing has changed in fifty years, he has all kinds of nick knacks like ceramic cats and embroidered religious messages, and all this seems just fine to me, I suppose - But here's what is really out of whack: He turned around to make my key to reveal in the back of his head a . . . a gray rat tail! It's not like he's like fifty, and is holding onto that look. He's like seventy and doesn't dress, look, or act the least bit punk or redneck. It's just . . . weird.

Oh well, Gray Rat Tail. Keep buzzen' up those keys with your weird hair cause it's characters like you that make this the best city in the free world.

Friday, August 28, 2009


I was turning right through an intersection of Roscoe and Western when I nearly hit some dumb, tall, gangly, kid who was trying to cross the street while trying to skate backwards on his roller blades, badly, with a big, stupid smile on his face. It would be one thing if he were one of those speedy shirtless guys on the Lake Shore Drive path, but this kid was swerving all over and nearly falling down. Couldn't he have practiced that maneuver when he was not restricted to the few feet that the crosswalk allowed for?

This was right outside of Lane Tech High School, an institution that has been rumored to have been opening the gates to less qualified students in recent years. This dumb-dumb may have been proof of this.

Monday, March 9, 2009

It's Fine

I saw a sign for a Chinese place called Wok's Up, and their tag-line was "fine Chinese cuisine." Could it really be that "fine" with a name that stupid? Maybe so, if they meant it like this:

Guy 1: Hey, have you been to that Wok's Up place in that strip mall on Sheffield?

Guy 2: No. Any good?

Guy 1: Yeah, it's fine, I guess.