Monday, October 29, 2007

Hash Muffin Lady

I went in Cody's (Barry and Paulina) the other night, which is the best dive bar within walking distance from my house. Reasons being, they have outdoor darts, bocce ball, a jukebox with Built to Spill, you can bring your own dog, you can bring your own propane to grill, and they have this killer beer from, I think Belgium, that's only like 3 bucks for a can. I discovered if you pour it into a glass it's like liquid candy. Liquid candy that gets you piss drunk. It's got a yellow and blue can, so it kind of looks like a can of root beer, it's called like Whittakerke's, and it has those little dots over a couple of letters, kinda like Motley Crue.*

So, I'm in there with some friends, and in walks The Tamale Guy with a red cooler full of love. I'm really hungry, so I get six chicken ones for five bucks. He hands them to me, but not before he hits on every one of my female friends, which didn't bother anyone, because he's The Tamale Guy. They're damn tasty, and he hooks you up with hot sauce to accompany them and napkins for a little post-tamale freshening up. Now, I must warn you, they don't look nearly as good as they taste. In fact, I pointed out to my medical school neighbor, who was quick to lend a professional affirmation to my assessment, that they look like 6 penises (or is it peni?) all in the advanced stages of Syphilis.

As I'm merrily scarfing away on my tamales, thinking how great a concept The Tamale Guy is, trying to get the thought out of my head that I just ate what looked like 5 chancred up schlongs, I asked anyone if they heard what ever happened to the Hash Muffin Lady. Because I do believe she predates my bar-going days by a couple of years, I've never been fortunate enough to see her stroll in with her basket of pyschadelic baked goods, but I've heard a few too many first-hand accounts to doubt her existence. One source divulged that she used to bring hash brownies, fell off the map for a period of time, only to make a glorious comeback, only now selling a slightly more discreet foodstuffs vehicle for her pot: Hash Muffins.

I can't find ANYTHING on the internet about her that will speak to the validity of these tales, but if Chicago can claim a Tamlale Guy AND a Naked Guy, then why should we doubt that the finest city in all the land also has a Hash Muffin Lady going bar-to-bar stoning up Chicagoans until last call?

Doctor Kenneth Noisewater

*The men's bathroom at Cody's has really old, yellow newspaper cippings all over the walls, and the patrons have since written many of their own editorials on them. There is one cartoon someone drew which cracks my shit up every, single time I see it. There's two guys talking.
Guy 1: I fucked your mom last night.
Guy 2: Shut up, dad. You're drunk.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Woo Woo Where Did You Go Go?

Lots of sports teams have super fans. I can remember Crazy George at all of the Oakland A's games when I grew up. He was a freak. The Cubs have their own super fan who takes it to the next level... he lives it.

Ronnie Woo Woo is know by Cubs fans and Chicagoans as the ultimate Cubs' fan. He wears the full uniform that matches the uniform the players wear the same day. If the Cubs are on the road then Ronnie Woo Woo is decked out in his away uniform. Since I work in the Wrigleyville neighborhood I see Ronnie Woo Woo quite often and he always remarks on my White Sox hat letting me know I am on the wrong side of town. He really is a unique guy, and extremely kindhearted. I loves the Cubs, and more importantly he loves baseball.

So this year the Cubs have been pretty good... they won the Central Division and are now in the playoffs (struggling). But one thing has been missing... Ronnie Woo Woo. I have not seen him at all. Not once this baseball season. I usually see Ronnie Woo Woo walking down Southport or Waveland a few times per month - but this year... zero. The last time I saw Ronnie Woo Woo was last winter on the Clark bus and he was in plain clothes. It was a very strange site.

Where did you go Ronnie Woo Woo?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Chicago: Things Still To Do.

Now that I have passed my three year mark as a citizen of Chicago, I am realizing there is so much I have yet to do. The first six months here I played tourist and tried to go out and experience all the super "Chicago" things to do (Sears Tower, Navy Pier, Art Institute, Field Museum, Sox Game, Cubs Game, Ride the Santa El, etc.). Here are some of the things I still need to do:

1. Go for a drink at the Signature Room.
2. Go sailing in Lake Michigan (I have been on a tour boat in the lake).
3. Brookfield Zoo (just been to the Lincoln Park Zoo).
4. Bears Game.
5. Green Line El (for some reason I've never been on it).
6. See A Show at the Abby Pub.
7. Museum of Contemporary Art.
8. The Harold Washington Library.
9. Charlie Trotters & Tru.
10. The South Side St Patrick's Parade.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Ass Shaking... Saturday Night.

Cherry is calling it... Niner is posting it. There is going to be some ass shaking at the Liar's Club this Saturday night. ReckenRoll will be in town so we all need to get our drink on and our dance on.