What's the Deal?: Janet Davies

The Liar's Club has talked about Janet Davies before, as part of our annual "15 Chicagoans You Shouldn't Know" post.

As previously mentioned, she is also a co-host of that ridiculous "190 North" show. Sunday night she was dressed in her Joker finery (in this case a blue faux fur coat), highlighting the "beautiful" suburb of Lombard (question to any Chicago readers out there: Do you actually know anyone who lives in Lombard?? Didn't think so.). She introduces the segment by saying: "Lombard is just 20 minutes west of the Loop, so it offers the best of both worlds..."

Sorry, 20 minutes?? In what universe?? 20 minutes west of the loop is Bucktown. Another 50 minutes after that and maybe you'll find Lombard.

Bitch has got to go...

...love that Joker...

A Tale of Two Bars...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... and it was all within one weekend. This past weekend I had two birthday parties to attend, on two different nights, at two different bars. One good. One... well...

Friday night was birthday number one (the best of times). It was at a bar called Danny's which is on the Northside... possibly in the Bucktown neighborhood. From the outside it looks like a dive, but on the inside we discovered it is a cool little dj bar that spins good music (not uber snobby electronic... at least not that night), has Anchor Liberty on tap (my favorite), and has a few little corners to hide from the music if so desired. There was dancing going on which is always fun to partake in, or just watch and make fun of (one person was dancing like Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles). The company was great so it made the night even better. And the birthday girl did not pass out at the bar, which is always a plus. I am looking forward to going back to Danny's.

Saturday was birthday number two (OK, it was not the worst of times, not even close - but... ) ...it was at Delilah's. Delilah's is fine. I have nothing against Delilah's. Every time I go there it has the same people drinking the same drinks in the same spots... or at least that is what it seems to be. And when you leave you are guaranteed to smell like ass (smoke). Delilah's is a Northside sort-of dive bar that has good tunes playing (although most of their djs spin CDs which is weak). This party was $20 all you can drink for two hours. I wanted two drinks, so I was going to opt out of paying the $20. Nope. Cannot do. I was stuck paying the $20 which I was not happy with (and I could not even get a bottle of cheap domestic.. that was $2 extra). But to my surprise they had Adam's Family pinball (one of my favorites) and after putting in the money I discover the right flipper did not work. Strike two. With most of the people there trying to kill themselves with alcohol by drinking as much as they could stomach in two hours, it brought out the worst in the group. Drunk dudes high-fiving, staring at cleavage from the few women that were in the room, and then the lovely barf in the bathroom. Oh joy. And although I did actually meet a couple new fun people, it just was not worth the $20. The birthday boy (the one I knew - there were two) seemed to have a good time (which is the most important part), and he was not one of the completely f-ed up dudes staring at boobs.

Don't get me wrong, I did have fun on both nights (why be a miserable downer at a party?)... but Danny's was so much more my scene. I recommend it.

Alter Egos

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Paolo Nutini at the Double Door

Last night Richard and I went to see the free XRT Paolo Nutini show at the Double Door. Great show indeed and I don't really need to go into any details.

But I will say this: doors were to open at 7pm and there was a long line around the alley. We got in line about 6:40. It was frickin' cold last night and due to situation beyond my control I was not dressed the most weather-appropriate. I accept responsibility for that, but when you say doors open at 7, open the doors at 7 and NOT at 7:17, assholes.

The MC who introduced Paolo started off by saying "Thanks everyone for coming out tonight and thanks for your patience while we tried to get the doors open."

Sorry, tried to get the doors open? What, was there heavy furniture blocking the entrance? Did the door handle somehow fall off? You don't try to get the door open, you open it. Don't blame the door on the fact that you're a bunch of wankers and are too lazy and/or inconsiderate to open the door on time on the coldest night of the year.

It was a good show, though.

Crosswalks.

I am going focus my individual posts on the Liar's Club about Chicago... loves and loathes. I'll keep my 50f9er blog more about my crazy brain and what it is thinking about (trying to process). And although I love Chicago very much, my first post is not about something I love about this city...

I have lived in Chicago for about two and a half years now, and the one thing I cannot get use to is that Chicago drivers don't really pay attention to crosswalks, or people using them. Having lived in Portland, OR where everyone seems to stop for pedestrians, whether there is a crosswalk or not (maybe it's all the pot they are smokin' in the Northwest), Chicago is very different. I think more drivers in NYC stopped for me while crossing a street than drivers in Chicago. And I really do not understand why.

Chicagoans on the whole are pretty nice people... must be that Midwest values thing. But when they get behind the wheel they think it's Death Race 2000. On my walk to work each day I cross the street many times (no, not the same stree). All of the places I cross the street have a crosswalk, although many do not have a stop sign or a stop light. I don't just dart out into oncoming traffic, but it when I do cross it sure seems like people speed up... because they certainly do not slow down.

Slow down Chicagoans... because if you hit me, I'll be dead and cannot give such joy to my dear readers through the Liar's Club.

15 Chicagoans You Shouldn't Know.

Last week's issue of Time Out Chicago had a cover story about the 20 Chicagoans You Should Know. So hear is the Liar's Club response with our 15 Chicagoans You Shouldn't Know...

1. The bitch who brought her little bitch (dog) into The Gap on Lincoln Avenue the other day while I was trying to have a relaxing gift card spending day, which is my favorite way to shop, perhaps the only time I enjoy shopping. In any case, when the manager told her she couldn't be in there with the dog she threw a fit. She said she does it all the time, the other manager is cool with it, etc, but just leave your stupid, little dog at home. I could see if the bitch, I love using that word in this sense, could fit in her purse. No, even then, leave your stupid dog at home, you stupid lady.*

2. The evangelist guy with the megaphone who informs passers-by of all the different actions that will provide you with an all-expenses-paid trip directly to hell, including smoking cigarettes.
I can't believe I found a photo of this guy!

3. Mike and Joe. These two idiots, I'm not sure which two in the picture, since it's a four-piece, shitty band, play covers of 1990's and 2000's, alternative, rock songs, and they play them exactly the same. I will say they do a good job at sounding just like the original versions, but what is the point of doing that? That bothers me. It's like all those re-made movies that were good the first time, like Willie Wonka and Psycho. Why mess with success, right? The difference is some of the songs Mike and Joe play were not good the first time around, like crap by OAR, Jack Johnson, and John Mayer.

4. Tank Johnson of the Chicago Bears. For all I know he might be a really cool guy, but the cops found a mess of guns in his house, which he blamed on his friend, who got shot a few days later. He's also like 300 pounds, and he could probably run faster than you. On second thought, maybe he should be on the 20 People/Lizards in Chicago You Don't Want to Piss Off list along with the Kamodo Dragon at the Shedd Aquarium.

5. My Sister's Soon To Be Ex-Husband. Coincidentally, I think I might be on his 20 People in Chicago I Pray to God I Don't Run Into list.

* I think I could have parlayed this little encounter into a phone number from an attractive check-out girl, but I blew it. I had a question about some jeans, and she said I should take it up with the manager guy. I said, "I think he's talking to someone on the phone about the dog-lady incident," which he was. She laughed, and it looked like it might have been on like Donkey Kong, but there were people in line behind me, so I just left. I stopped in there today and she, the cute check-out girl, not the dog lady, wasn't there. :(

6. The Smithe Brothers. If you live in the Chicago metro area you know them well as the three brothers who have some of the most annoying television commercials of all time. They sing, they dance, they rip off every pop-culture and throw it into one of their commercials. I am surprised no one has done a drive by on them yet (I am not condoning violence). That's Smith with an E... or, That's Smith with a not going to buy your crap furniture.

7. Real Estate Sales Guy on the Brown Line. Yep, he's there. He rides the Brown Line... talks to himself... and lets everyone know just what each neighborhood is doing wrong in real estate. There are times when you might think he's talking to you, but no - he's just tweaking out. Not sure if anyone has gotten any solid leads from him, but I'd stay clear of him.

8. Cucumber Jewel Guy. There is a creepy guy that works at the Jewel Osco on Ashland & Wellington that likes to come to my self-checkout line and pick up one of the cucumbers I am buying at sigh, and then shake a little, and say "Oooooh, I only wish." Yuck. Don't touch my cucumber!

9. Janet Davies. She is part of the ABC 7 News crew (she's just a sub). She is part of the 190 North (an awful around-town television show... maybe worse than Metromix) crew. And she is part Joker. Look at her... she looks like the joker! Save us Batman! Save us!

10. Mr. Santa Claus CTA. One of the bus drivers on the 22 Clark bus kind of looks like Santa Claus... if Santa has been doing hard time for twenty years. Stop signs mean absolutely nothing to him. Thankfully the man will stop at a red light... but stop signs only mean: "Take foot off gas for a few seconds." Not a CTA person you should meet... if you want to live.


11. The owners of Picoso aka Pigroso. Why did you have to change delicious Picante into some weird Mexi-American carryout place? Hamburgers? What happened to the white boy tacos? What happened to having really erratic hours? And that sign? C’mon, jalapenos don’t have eyes and aren’t male and female! Wait, is that one wearing a hula hoop?

12.The bartender with two lazy eyes at a North Side karaoke/live country bar. My BFF was relieved when I ordered our drinks from her because she had no idea how she was going to make eye contact with her. This is a pic of a baby with only one lazy eye, now imagine some dyed black fried hair on top, add 50 years, and make the other eye lazy.

13. That girl who almost had me kicked out of Tai’s for flailing my arms too much and bumping into her on the dance floor. Don’t just stand around when I am succeeding at bustin’ a move!

14. The architects of the monstrosity considered a building on the corner Lincoln, Barry, & Greenview. What made you think that this building would have any semblance of being decent looking? It‘s a piece of crap and you know it. I feel sorry for the people who live in it. They must be on the verge of committing suicide because I can’t even stand looking at it on my way to Jimmy John’s, let alone have to claim to live there.

15. The owner of the jewelry store in Uptown that wouldn’t buzz me into her shop, but did proceed to look me up and down. Well, excuse me if I don’t have thousands of dollars of plastic surgery done like you do to make my head look like stretched plastic over a miniature pumpkin with some sharpie eyebrows.

20 Things You Should Know About The Liar's Club

1. Once stripped down to it's underwear in front of the entire 5th grade class.
2. Ran away from home at the age of four.
3. When it was 7 it used to spin around in a circle desperately trying to turn into Wonder Woman.
4. Pretty sure has some form of Dyslexia.
5. Has a mostly irrational hatred of Matt Damon and a very rational hatred for the movie Caddyshack.
6. Will eat your tater tots, even when it tells you it isn't hungry.
7. Once broke a finger bowling.
8. At an ice rink while skating to "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan wiped out for 15 feet.
9. Hates the sound of erasers on a chalkboard.
10. Is incensed that "Sweet Home Alabama" is the song used in Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials.
11. Has a Mom that fancies the Crypt Keeper from "Tales from the Crypt."
12. Rolled 100 joints on the first day of its first job out of college.
13. When it was around 3 or 4-years-old it got its penis caught in the zipper of its zip-up, winnie the poo pajamas with the footies. (Yes, that's an awfully dorky outfit, and they were probably pink hand-me-downs, cause it has a big sister.) Being extremely painful, it distinctly remembers weighing its options: Endure the pain or suffer the embarrassment of having to solicit its mom's help. Anyway, it got mom's help, and the penis is 99% effective.
14. Secretly wishes it lived somewhere quiet like Iowa or Nebraska. (But not Kansas. Definitely not Kansas.)
15. When it gets a fountain soda, has to push the diet and other tabs on the lid, and if it forgets, then just knows it is going to have a shitty day.
16. Has not thrown up in public in, what, at least a month.
17. Has never been to the Liar's Club.
18. Sold every one of its paintings on the opening night of its first art show.
19. First stiffy directly related to sexual stimulation came at the hands of an episode of Benny Hill. There were a lot of women running around, jiggling in fast motion, so you really couldn't blame it.
20. Wants to be a monchichi or at least have one as a pet.