Monday, October 29, 2007

Hash Muffin Lady

I went in Cody's (Barry and Paulina) the other night, which is the best dive bar within walking distance from my house. Reasons being, they have outdoor darts, bocce ball, a jukebox with Built to Spill, you can bring your own dog, you can bring your own propane to grill, and they have this killer beer from, I think Belgium, that's only like 3 bucks for a can. I discovered if you pour it into a glass it's like liquid candy. Liquid candy that gets you piss drunk. It's got a yellow and blue can, so it kind of looks like a can of root beer, it's called like Whittakerke's, and it has those little dots over a couple of letters, kinda like Motley Crue.*

So, I'm in there with some friends, and in walks The Tamale Guy with a red cooler full of love. I'm really hungry, so I get six chicken ones for five bucks. He hands them to me, but not before he hits on every one of my female friends, which didn't bother anyone, because he's The Tamale Guy. They're damn tasty, and he hooks you up with hot sauce to accompany them and napkins for a little post-tamale freshening up. Now, I must warn you, they don't look nearly as good as they taste. In fact, I pointed out to my medical school neighbor, who was quick to lend a professional affirmation to my assessment, that they look like 6 penises (or is it peni?) all in the advanced stages of Syphilis.

As I'm merrily scarfing away on my tamales, thinking how great a concept The Tamale Guy is, trying to get the thought out of my head that I just ate what looked like 5 chancred up schlongs, I asked anyone if they heard what ever happened to the Hash Muffin Lady. Because I do believe she predates my bar-going days by a couple of years, I've never been fortunate enough to see her stroll in with her basket of pyschadelic baked goods, but I've heard a few too many first-hand accounts to doubt her existence. One source divulged that she used to bring hash brownies, fell off the map for a period of time, only to make a glorious comeback, only now selling a slightly more discreet foodstuffs vehicle for her pot: Hash Muffins.

I can't find ANYTHING on the internet about her that will speak to the validity of these tales, but if Chicago can claim a Tamlale Guy AND a Naked Guy, then why should we doubt that the finest city in all the land also has a Hash Muffin Lady going bar-to-bar stoning up Chicagoans until last call?

Regards,
Doctor Kenneth Noisewater

*The men's bathroom at Cody's has really old, yellow newspaper cippings all over the walls, and the patrons have since written many of their own editorials on them. There is one cartoon someone drew which cracks my shit up every, single time I see it. There's two guys talking.
Guy 1: I fucked your mom last night.
Guy 2: Shut up, dad. You're drunk.

20 comments:

BottleBlonde said...

Liquid candy?! Hook me up via IV, please!

Those hot tamales make me wanna take my VD antibiotics. *scratch*

ADW said...

I love dive bars. Love 'em.

Airam said...

That second picture was of the hot tamales that you ate??? I thought they were severed fingers!!!

Sassy Blondie said...

There's nothing sweeter than a dive bar...

Mr. Shife said...

That cartoon is funny. This bar sounds like my kind of place. Maybe I can start the Save the Fire Crotches campaign here.

Kadonkadonk said...

How can that be classified as a dive bar? It sounds like pretty much the coolest place on Earth!

I have to go find my bocce ball set...

Eve said...

Tamales!? Oh man. Yum. Also those ice cream on a stick vendors. SO freaking good. And it only costs a buck!

That gives me a good idea...

5 of 9er said...

I have always wanted to go in to that place... since it's right by my house. But will all the Cubs signage on the front I feel a little unwelcome. Maybe I should go there when you are there.

Scary Monster said...

There be no place better than a really good bar. Especially iffin it's within walking distance. Gettin home when yer plastered on Belgium beer and Mexican food can be arduous.

Belch,
STOMP.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Bottle: Scratch away at that VD, you sexy thang you.

Adw: Can't beat them. They have character and less preppy a-holes.

Airam: They were indeed. Now, who's the hot tamale in your profile picture. Wooooooooo, that was smoooooooooth.

Sassy: Love me some dives. You, me, and ADW are going to go on a Dive Bar Crawl.

Shife: Save the Fire Crotches will make a stand at Cody's.

Kadonk: You have a bocce set? Let's ball!!!

Eve: Do tell! What is your idea? Are you going to be a Mexican street vendor?

Niner: It's not a Cub fan kind of place on the inside. Judging by the blue-collar nature of the patrons, I'd guess most of them are Sox fans. And Springstien fans.

Scary: Right you are. I should proceed with caution.

Michael5000 said...

That sounds like a happy, happy bar. And happy, happy muffins.

That cartoon is awesome even without the cartoon.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Nice work, Dr. Ken. I think traffic to this site has now quadrupled.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Michael: Happy is the operative word.

Cherry: I think we all should announce our postings on our own sites to get readership going, which will in turn, I hope, get us posting more.

Drunken Chud said...

dammit, this post did nothing for me. when you started talking about the bar (which sounds like drunkard disneyland) i thought you were going mention the prostitute notary babe. but no. you're keeping us in suspense. dick. (i of course mean that in a tender, and loving way.)

classyandfancy said...

I thought hash brownie lady was incarcerated. Seriously. How did she predate your bar days? I used to see her all the time with her basket and crocheted hat.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I heart dive bars. I absolutely love them.

Steph said...

Love the joke at the end. Funny much.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chudly: I opted to save 28 bucks and get the notarizing done at a currency exchange. Sorry to let you down, man . . .

Classy: You've seen her!? Did you eat one????

Hedonist: Thanks for coming by. Let's hit a dive bar some time.

Steph: So damn funny. The looks on the cartoon guys makes it funnier. Wish I had picture . . .

jason said...

hey...
just wanna say i have had run ins with the lady and yes its a true tale.

jason said...

hey.
i have had run ins with the lady and yes it is a true tale.