Sunday, November 11, 2007

Chicago's Finest Fast Food Lovers

First off, the views expressed in this blog are solely that of Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, and in no way are they being expressed by any other members of The Liar's Club team.

My Paramedic Roommate (PR) came into the apartment at around 2 PM, and in a gravely voice and announced, "I got arrested last night."* I congratulated him, and asked that he regale us with the tale.

He had some friends in town from Iowa, and they were all shit-canned at Subterranean. Just after initiating an unsolicited staring contest with the coat check guy, which he remembers, he knocked a beer out of a random, Black guy's hand, chipping the guy's tooth with the bottle, making him bleed, and this Paramedic Roommate does not remember.

Chipped tooth guy was none-to-pleased about this, and after unsuccessfully trying to kick PR's ass, he was held back by people, Chipped Tooth Guy alerted the police. Now, if I'm PR, I'm getting the heck out of the bar after this, especially since the guy told him he was calling the police, but PR stays there, drinks loads more, while already blacked-out.

So five cops come into the bar, walk PR out and into a squad car, and drive off with him. PR shows them his paramedic card, and one of them says, "Yeah, don't worry about it." They drive him to McDonalds, everyone pounds down some grease, and they drive him home. No arrest is made.

The reason I am posting this on a Chicago-related blog is that this is nothing out of the ordinary for Chicago police. People drink a lot in this city, the cops couldn't possibly arrest everyone who breaks a law while drunk, so they just deal with the bigger crimes. I understand this, and I'm okay with it. I've only been pulled over once in Chicago, it was by a bike cop, and that's different. Bike cops have something to prove.

What I'm not okay with is that while this story is a funny one, I was laughing my ass off at the time, it is indicative of something far more shitty. Raise your hand if you think these cops would have been so friendly had my roomy been Black, paramedic or otherwise, and chipped a white guy's tooth? Ah-hah!! I didn't see any hands go up! Wait, how would I . . . Anyway, I don't want to make any generalizations about cops and their racial beliefs, but yeah, it more than likely would have played out differently had that been the case.

I love my city, and I have loved running "stoptional" signs all these years right in front of our police officers, but there is no doubt that many Chicago cops, and cops in general, are assholes. Even if they're not born-assholes, they become them after the power goes to their heads. If they're not born-racists, they often times become them, since they see so many ethnic populations committing crimes in poor, segregated areas.

Sure, you may say, "But didn't a Chicago Cop fuck your wife when you were married." Why, yes! One did, and I hate him, and her, for it. Do I think that lots of cops like to lay married women? Yes, because they do.

I'm getting off track here, but all that I'm saying is while I'm happy my roomy didn't get arrested, because then he'd be less likely to pay us rent on time than he already is, but let's look at it this way: If you're out having a good time, some guy you don't even know, intentionally tries to knock your beer out of your hand, chipping your tooth, making you bleed, and you call the cops, would you want said cops to arrest him or treat him to late-night meal at McDonald's

*Turns out he wasn't, but that's what he said.


5 of 9er said...

You roomate is an A1 douche. I my hand did not go up. Good post!

classyandfancy said...

Not all bike cops have something to prove, just the ones that have to ride Segways.

Kadonkadonk said...

I'm sure your roommate is great, but if some drunk asshole chipped MY tooth, I'd sue for dental work AND pain and suffering. I effing hate the dentist. And if I found out the cops took the person that assulted me out for some McNuggets, I'd sue their asses too. But I am a white, blond female so I am pretty sure if I was crying to the cops, I'd get my way. God f*cking bless America!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner: I've never seen him in that mode, but I guess it gets ugly and naked.

Classy: Segway cops have got to be the biggest dorks ever. They probably wear sweat pants and fanny packs too.

Donk: Thanks for coming by! Nuggets sound good right now . . .

Hey, Liars, we have to get the readership up on this thing. Always alert your readers when you post something on here. I skipped that this time due to the strong opinions and such.

Mr. Shain said...

you have a lot of cop-rage issues. you'd think you were black.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shane: You've been getting too many emails from Ann Coulter.

So@24 said...

Why are cops always dippin' into other people's Kool Aid?

carolyn says said...

A Chicago cop once told a friend of mine that he wouldn't have gotten beaten up if he weren't gay. An while it's tru that this was the motivating factor behind this particular incident it was not exactly what my friend was looking to hear after getting his ass kicked.

Also my old roommate who totally dicked us out of our deposit and was generally crazy-go-nuts is now a Chicago cop. His name is Jim and his dad is a cop too. Keep an eye out for cops named Jim.

The Clumsy Chatterbox said...

Cops are creepy. I could never date a cop. Ugh. Shiver. Already I feel uncomfortable.

Sorry about the fucking cop.

UnBonHomme said...

The funniest thing about CPD IMHO is the way they are happy to yell at you like they are your dad.

I once got stopped for intentionally going down a one way, the wrong way, on my motorcycle and the crotchety old cop says, as he gets out of the squad car, "What the fuck are you thinking?!?!"

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Ah, the justice system at its finest. Nevertheless, glad your roomie didn't end up in pokey.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

24: I like that kool aid line! You're the shit, 24.

Carolyn: Okeedokee. I'm just going to stay clear of all Jims, just to be sure.

Clumsy: Eh, it was years ago. I'm fine now. Mostly.

Unbon: Yeah, you should have been like, "You're not my dad, man!!" They love that. I know what you mean though.

Law: Yeah, or maybe the Patty Wagon. I always wanted to ride in one of those . . .