Chicago's Finest Fast Food Lovers

First off, the views expressed in this blog are solely that of Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, and in no way are they being expressed by any other members of The Liar's Club team.

My Paramedic Roommate (PR) came into the apartment at around 2 PM, and in a gravely voice and announced, "I got arrested last night."* I congratulated him, and asked that he regale us with the tale.

He had some friends in town from Iowa, and they were all shit-canned at Subterranean. Just after initiating an unsolicited staring contest with the coat check guy, which he remembers, he knocked a beer out of a random, Black guy's hand, chipping the guy's tooth with the bottle, making him bleed, and this Paramedic Roommate does not remember.

Chipped tooth guy was none-to-pleased about this, and after unsuccessfully trying to kick PR's ass, he was held back by people, Chipped Tooth Guy alerted the police. Now, if I'm PR, I'm getting the heck out of the bar after this, especially since the guy told him he was calling the police, but PR stays there, drinks loads more, while already blacked-out.

So five cops come into the bar, walk PR out and into a squad car, and drive off with him. PR shows them his paramedic card, and one of them says, "Yeah, don't worry about it." They drive him to McDonalds, everyone pounds down some grease, and they drive him home. No arrest is made.

The reason I am posting this on a Chicago-related blog is that this is nothing out of the ordinary for Chicago police. People drink a lot in this city, the cops couldn't possibly arrest everyone who breaks a law while drunk, so they just deal with the bigger crimes. I understand this, and I'm okay with it. I've only been pulled over once in Chicago, it was by a bike cop, and that's different. Bike cops have something to prove.

What I'm not okay with is that while this story is a funny one, I was laughing my ass off at the time, it is indicative of something far more shitty. Raise your hand if you think these cops would have been so friendly had my roomy been Black, paramedic or otherwise, and chipped a white guy's tooth? Ah-hah!! I didn't see any hands go up! Wait, how would I . . . Anyway, I don't want to make any generalizations about cops and their racial beliefs, but yeah, it more than likely would have played out differently had that been the case.

I love my city, and I have loved running "stoptional" signs all these years right in front of our police officers, but there is no doubt that many Chicago cops, and cops in general, are assholes. Even if they're not born-assholes, they become them after the power goes to their heads. If they're not born-racists, they often times become them, since they see so many ethnic populations committing crimes in poor, segregated areas.

Sure, you may say, "But didn't a Chicago Cop fuck your wife when you were married." Why, yes! One did, and I hate him, and her, for it. Do I think that lots of cops like to lay married women? Yes, because they do.

I'm getting off track here, but all that I'm saying is while I'm happy my roomy didn't get arrested, because then he'd be less likely to pay us rent on time than he already is, but let's look at it this way: If you're out having a good time, some guy you don't even know, intentionally tries to knock your beer out of your hand, chipping your tooth, making you bleed, and you call the cops, would you want said cops to arrest him or treat him to late-night meal at McDonald's

*Turns out he wasn't, but that's what he said.